We hope that you can join us.

But here I’d like to bring up a somewhat trickier, more challenging proposition: talking with your son who has Aspergers Disorder or [...]]]> I know that this sounds like an utterly uncontroversial bit of encouragement; surely everyone believes that parents should speak to their children about sex – providing them with information, guidance, and moral direction. 

But here I’d like to bring up a somewhat trickier, more challenging proposition: talking with your son who has Aspergers Disorder or High-Functioning Autism (HFA) about sex.  I suspect that many parents think that there’s far less urgency to talk with these boys about sex.  Consistent with their general social deficits and lack of peer interaction, boys on the Autism Spectrum begin to date much later than do their non-Autistic peers and sexual activity starts significantly later. 

I believe, however, that it as least as important to speak with these boys about sex.  Because of the rigidity in their thinking, their confusion about “gray areas” and subtle nuances of interpersonal interactions, I have found that kids and teenagers with Aspergers or HFA are often extremely confused about various aspects of sexuality and harbor significant distortions in their understanding.  I believe that this tendency is maintained and amplified by their social isolation: they do not have the sort of friendships and peer interactions in the context of which they could bounce their thoughts off of others.

These points were brought home to me very dramatically over the past few months when pre-teens and teens in my middle school and high school groups brought up sexual topics for discussion in group.  In the context of the ensuing discussion I saw the extent of their confusion which, in a couple of examples, was a source of considerable distress.  One boy recalled a time when he was playing with a female friend of the family and, to his shock and horror, found himself getting an erection.  This signified to him that there must be something terribly wrong with him and rarely has a day gone by since then when he has not mentally “beat himself up” over this.  Another time, the topic of pornography came up.  A boy commented that babies see pornography all the time.  I asked him what he meant by that and he replied “breast-feeding.”  To him, a breast, since it represents an erotic image for him is, ipso facto, pornographic.  Another boy picked up on this point, commenting that while people think that there’s more pornography in the United States, really there’s much more in Europe, since they have lots of nude and topless beaches there.  Again, to this boy, nudity equaled pornography.

I encourage all parents – and especially those with children who have Aspergers or High-Functioning Autism – to open a dialogue with their children about sex.  You will be helping them immeasurably if they can gain assistance in understanding this part of life which is so confusing for all adolescents, and that much more confusing for them.

When we got there, he took me by the hand and pulled me to take him [...]]]> My two year old son was so excited that we were going to the ocean that he couldn’t sleep the night before.  “Idemo na more!” (Serbian for “We’re going to the beach,”) he kept calling out from his bed.

When we got there, he took me by the hand and pulled me to take him to the ocean.  We got to a gate and he called out “Abre,” which, as he has learned from Go Diego Go, causes gates to open.  Once through, he ran as fast as his little legs could carry him toward the ocean.

And then we were on the beach.  I asked him if he wanted to walk or to sit and he said he wanted to walk.  But once we’d gone over the last little drop-off and were near the water, he sat down.  I sat down next to him and he slid over close to me, snuggled up against me.  I put my arm around him and started asking him if he liked just looking out over the water and listening to the waves crash.  Then, I realized, “what in the world am I doing?” I’m trying to teach this perfect being to appreciate something that he already appreciates with a mindfulness, a fullness, a calm, a peace, a quiet, and a tranquillity to which I can only aspire.

So I stopped talking. And we sat there in silence for about 10 minutes, looking out over the ocean and listening to the waves crash.

My son is rarely quiet, rarely not in motion.  But for this, to drink in the transcendent beauty of the ocean, both he and I sat in quiet wonderment.

Finally, as if to signal that the time for sitting had come to an end, my son said “the waves crash,” stood up and said ”swimming water” (the pool) and started his walk back.

I have had several experiences in which the children in my groups become annoyed at me, insisting that [...]]]> As you all know, I work with lots of kids with Aspergers Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. This advice applies particularly to these children, but I think it’s probably relevant for many if not most kids.

I have had several experiences in which the children in my groups become annoyed at me, insisting that I’ve promised to do something for them or give them something. I have felt at least equally confident that I had not said anything of the sort. For example, in my groups, I provide pizza as part of a celebration whenever a child graduates from group. I have provided pizza for the group on a few other occasions as well (which I think was a mistake, but what can I say?). Well, at various times, kids have asked me if I could get them pizza the following week. To my utter surprise, when the next week rolled around, they were dismayed and upset to learn that I wasn’t going to buy them pizza. Several of the kids stated emphatically that I had “promised to buy [them] pizza.” Looking back on the previous week, I think I had said something like “we’re not going to talk about that now; we need to listen to Jimmy’s sharing.”

A vague, non-committal response, will be heard as whatever the child hopes it to be

I’ve come to realize that a vague, non-committal response, will be heard as whatever the child hopes it to be. If I do not provide a firm “No,” my answer will quickly evolve into a promise that I am then bound to break. It struck me that I’d heard similar, flabbergasted complaints from parents over the years, that their children mishear things and insist that they said something that they had not. My advice to all such parents – advice I need to follow myself – is to make your answers very clear. Kids with Aspergers are often virtually obsessed with clarity, precision and specificity. They don’t do so well with vagueness and open-ended circumstances.

I think that there are truly only three categories of answer:

1. If your child asks you for something and you can provide it, by all means reply “Yes.” Be aware, however, that this is a commitment and a promise and should be kept in all but the direst of exceptional circumstances.
2. When the answer is no, simply say “No” (and, of course, don’t proceed to provide that item or do that favor).
3. Sometimes the answer is not definite. You may not be sure whether you can provide the item requested, or you simply may not want to discuss the request at that point, or you may just need to take more time to consider it. In that case, I recommend saying something like this: “The answer right now is No, but I’ll think about it more later on and we can discuss it more after you get home from school.” No guarantees, but I think that it would be hard for any child to construe this answer as a promise to do something.

A couple more quick points about this approach: if you say “No, probably,” and later change your mind and say “Yes,” your child has gotten a pleasant surprise, which is a heck of a lot better than a broken promise or the perception of a broken promise. Most importantly, if you give a firm “No,” stick to it. Saying “No” to a child’s request (or demand) and then giving in to placate him or her or reduce his or her whining or nagging sets a truly bad example and sets you up for your future “No’s” to be ignored and battled. If you choose to say “No,” stick with it, hard as this may be to do.

The necessity of both components – and a reasonable balance between the two – is certainly not unique to post-divorce families; similar issues and similar complications arise [...]]]> I believe that there are two essential components of parenting:

1. providing warmth, comfort, nurturance and affection; and
2. providing structure, rules, discipline and a sense of responsibility and accountability.

The necessity of both components – and a reasonable balance between the two – is certainly not unique to post-divorce families; similar issues and similar complications arise in most families. I have seen intact families manage the issue in a variety of ways. In many families, one parent is the primary source of affection and comfort and the other provides most of the structure and discipline. I can’t tell you how many times a parent during an initial intake interview states that “I’m the disciplinarian in the family.” My personal preference is for each parent to participate extensively in both aspects of parenting. I think it is good for a child to see both mom and dad as sources of warmth and nurturance on the one hand and responsibility and accountability on the other. But I have seen many, many families in which a division of the roles works quite well.

I should emphasize that I view each of the two parental roles as absolutely essential and of equal importance. Neither should be viewed as secondary to the other.

Post-Divorce Families

The situation becomes far more complicated after a parental separation. Obviously, from this point forward, the child or children are with only one of their parents at a time. If a parent has heretofore functioned almost exclusively as a disciplinarian or primarily as a loving “buddy” to his or her child, he or she is likely to be ill-prepared to provide the other essential aspects of parenting. Functioning alone as a parent, he or she cannot rely on the other parent to provide the complementary duties.

Often, in post-divorce families, each parent views the other as inadequate in one or the other area of parenting. This may stem from the earlier patterns during their marriage in which each parent emphasized either discipline & structure or warmth and affection. During the marriage, the child could still be provided with all the necessary components of good parenting. After the divorce, he or she alternates, getting more comfort from and play with one parent and more structure and sense of responsibility from the other.

While this is likely to be confusing and distressing to the child, unfortunately the situation often worsens as time goes on. I have found that a sort of “dance” goes on between the parents, with each trying to balance out perceived deficits on the part of the other parent. For example, a mother who has traditionally provided the bulk of the rules and discipline may see the father as impossibly lax, as a “good-time parent,” a “buddy” to their child incapable of providing adequate structure and discipline. As a result, she may escalate her own level of rules and discipline to ensure that their child is learning appropriate lessons. The father, meanwhile, may see the mother as cold and “no fun,” ridiculously extreme in her rules and overly strict in their enforcement. He responds by becoming even more lenient, focusing almost exclusively on providing fun and entertainment to their child. The parents become increasingly polarized, so that one household turns into a place of strict rules and rigidity in their application, while the other becomes a playhouse, in which appropriate bedtimes and regularity in schedule is sacrificed in favor of constant fun and entertainment.

The main message is for each parent to strive for balance in his or her household. Each parent needs to remind him- or herself that both structure & discipline and warmth and affection are absolutely essential.

Neither is more important than the other. If you are a divorced parent, take an honest look at your ability to provide both aspects of parenting. Are you better at one than the other? If so, work on strengthening the area of relative weakness. You will feel better as a parent and, most importantly, your child will benefit enormously from receiving the full range of appropriate parenting from you.