Mendel Psychological Associates' blog » Divorce

Coping with Divorce and Separation in a digital world

ginger — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 18:03:50 +0000

Created on the iPad

As an art therapist, I see kids use their digital skills and talents to work through feelings of discouragement and grief they experience due to their parent’s separation or divorce. Using the computer, digital camera, video camera and iPad, they choose and create images to express feelings that have long been unsaid. By making music videos and painting alien space creatures, they tell their story and in the telling begin to find relief.
I see kids who have shut down or are acting out in anger. It’s important to listen, but what if they don’t talk? Many kids use their MySpace and Facebook pages to express feelings and send messages. Chances are your kids are leaving clues for both of you on their social networking page through their words and their pictures. Don’t miss that opportunity to hear.

Frequently Asked Questions about Digital Art Therapy – FOR PARENTS

ginger — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 19:22:41 +0000

What is Digital Art Therapy?
Digital Art Therapy is a type of psychotherapy that encourages expression of emotions and changes in thinking through artistic activities such as creating photomontages, digital paintings, photographs, and videos with music. It is based on the evidence that the creative process involved in the making of art is healing and life-enhancing.

What kind of issues can digital art therapy help my adolescent with?
Adolescents dealing with issues such as depression, anxiety, grief and loss, stress, ADHD, adoption and foster care issues, anger, high functioning autism and Aspergers among others benefit from digital art therapy

Does my teen need to be an artist?
No art talent is needed. Most everyone interacts with digital photos, cameras and art to the degree we work with in digital art therapy. The goal is self-expression, not great art.

Does my teen need to be a computer expert?
Only average computer skills are necessary. If your teen can use a mouse and a keyboard, they can do digital art therapy. There is software for all skill levels.

Does my teen need to bring his own laptop?
Laptops are provided (PC or Mac) but if your teen has a favorite software package he already uses he is welcome to bring his laptop with that loaded.

How often will I meet with you?
I will meet with you for the first session without your teen. Then I would like to see them individually for three sessions. I will meet with you again after the third session with your teen to determine goals and a plan for success.

How much does it cost?
My fees are listed in the Service Agreement, under “master level therapist fees.”

Does insurance pay for this?
I am not on any insurance panels but some insurance may provide out-of-network benefits for my counseling services.

Balancing the Two Essential Aspects of Parenting

Dr. Mendel — Sun, 28 Sep 2008 15:50:49 +0000

I believe that there are two essential components of parenting:

providing warmth, comfort, nurturance and affection; and
providing structure, rules, discipline and a sense of responsibility and accountability.

The necessity of both components – and a reasonable balance between the two – is certainly not unique to post-divorce families; similar issues and similar complications arise in most families. I have seen intact families manage the issue in a variety of ways. In many families, one parent is the primary source of affection and comfort and the other provides most of the structure and discipline. I can’t tell you how many times a parent during an initial intake interview states that “I’m the disciplinarian in the family.” My personal preference is for each parent to participate extensively in both aspects of parenting. I think it is good for a child to see both mom and dad as sources of warmth and nurturance on the one hand and responsibility and accountability on the other. But I have seen many, many families in which a division of the roles works quite well.

I should emphasize that I view each of the two parental roles as absolutely essential and of equal importance. Neither should be viewed as secondary to the other.

Post-Divorce Families

The situation becomes far more complicated after a parental separation. Obviously, from this point forward, the child or children are with only one of their parents at a time. If a parent has heretofore functioned almost exclusively as a disciplinarian or primarily as a loving “buddy” to his or her child, he or she is likely to be ill-prepared to provide the other essential aspects of parenting. Functioning alone as a parent, he or she cannot rely on the other parent to provide the complementary duties.

Often, in post-divorce families, each parent views the other as inadequate in one or the other area of parenting. This may stem from the earlier patterns during their marriage in which each parent emphasized either discipline & structure or warmth and affection. During the marriage, the child could still be provided with all the necessary components of good parenting. After the divorce, he or she alternates, getting more comfort from and play with one parent and more structure and sense of responsibility from the other.

While this is likely to be confusing and distressing to the child, unfortunately the situation often worsens as time goes on. I have found that a sort of “dance” goes on between the parents, with each trying to balance out perceived deficits on the part of the other parent. For example, a mother who has traditionally provided the bulk of the rules and discipline may see the father as impossibly lax, as a “good-time parent,” a “buddy” to their child incapable of providing adequate structure and discipline. As a result, she may escalate her own level of rules and discipline to ensure that their child is learning appropriate lessons. The father, meanwhile, may see the mother as cold and “no fun,” ridiculously extreme in her rules and overly strict in their enforcement. He responds by becoming even more lenient, focusing almost exclusively on providing fun and entertainment to their child. The parents become increasingly polarized, so that one household turns into a place of strict rules and rigidity in their application, while the other becomes a playhouse, in which appropriate bedtimes and regularity in schedule is sacrificed in favor of constant fun and entertainment.

The main message is for each parent to strive for balance in his or her household. Each parent needs to remind him- or herself that both structure & discipline and warmth and affection are absolutely essential.

Neither is more important than the other. If you are a divorced parent, take an honest look at your ability to provide both aspects of parenting. Are you better at one than the other? If so, work on strengthening the area of relative weakness. You will feel better as a parent and, most importantly, your child will benefit enormously from receiving the full range of appropriate parenting from you.

Advice to Divorcing Parents

Dr. Mendel — Tue, 19 Aug 2008 18:14:28 +0000

Over the years, I have worked with literally hundreds of post-divorce families. I have led groups for children of divorce and worked with the children in both individual and family therapy. From these experiences, I’ve developed a sense of some of the most common challenges and pitfalls, along with what I hope are helpful recommendations for minimizing the negative impact of divorce on children. For a fuller, more comprehensive discussion of these issues, please see my article: Kidstuff: Working Your Way to a Child-friendly Divorce.

The best way to help your child through divorce and its aftermath is to genuinely encourage him to have the best relationship possible with his other parent.

I know that this is very hard, especially when you are furious at your ex-spouse or you feel that he or she is behaving in an irresponsible manner. But remind yourself that you won’t be doing that to help out your ex-spouse but to help your child develop in as healthy a way as possible. It may help to ask yourself these two questions:

Am I doing everything I can to be the best parent I can be for my child?
Am I doing everything I can to encourage my child to have the best relationship possible with his other parent?

If the answer to those questions is yes, then you’re doing a good job! Unfortunately, if the answer to question #2 is “No,” then the answer to question #1 is also “No.” If you’re not doing your utmost to support your child’s relationship with his mother or father, then you are not being the best parent you can be for your child.

A second, critically important, aspect of dealing with a divorce is not to think of the initial separation as a single event, but rather as just the first in a long series of life-changing events your children will experience. These could include:

Living in two households
Going back and forth between houses
Parents dating
Parents remarrying
Step-parents & loyalty conflicts
Step-siblings
Half-siblings

The better you, as parents, can cooperate throughout all these events, the better off your children will be. If you can consistently think of your children’s needs, rather than, for example, anger and resentment toward your ex-spouse, then your children are likely to navigate these challenges fairly well.

Ask yourself:
Am I putting my child’s needs first?

I realize that there is so much more to say about this difficult, challenging, painful, life-altering topic. So I will stop for now and continue in future blog entries with other aspects of parenting after separation. Stay tuned for discussions of “Balancing the Two Essential Aspects of Parenting,” “How to Tell Your Child about an Upcoming Separation,” “Providing Reassurance,” and “Pro’s & Con’s of Various Living Arrangements.”