How to Say No

As you all know, I work with lots of kids with Aspergers Syndrome or High Functioning Autism. This advice applies particularly to these children, but I think it’s probably relevant for many if not most kids.

I have had several experiences in which the children in my groups become annoyed at me, insisting that I’ve promised to do something for them or give them something. I have felt at least equally confident that I had not said anything of the sort. For example, in my groups, I provide pizza as part of a celebration whenever a child graduates from group. I have provided pizza for the group on a few other occasions as well (which I think was a mistake, but what can I say?). Well, at various times, kids have asked me if I could get them pizza the following week. To my utter surprise, when the next week rolled around, they were dismayed and upset to learn that I wasn’t going to buy them pizza. Several of the kids stated emphatically that I had “promised to buy [them] pizza.” Looking back on the previous week, I think I had said something like “we’re not going to talk about that now; we need to listen to Jimmy’s sharing.”

A vague, non-committal response, will be heard as whatever the child hopes it to be

I’ve come to realize that a vague, non-committal response, will be heard as whatever the child hopes it to be. If I do not provide a firm “No,” my answer will quickly evolve into a promise that I am then bound to break. It struck me that I’d heard similar, flabbergasted complaints from parents over the years, that their children mishear things and insist that they said something that they had not. My advice to all such parents – advice I need to follow myself – is to make your answers very clear. Kids with Aspergers are often virtually obsessed with clarity, precision and specificity. They don’t do so well with vagueness and open-ended circumstances.

I think that there are truly only three categories of answer:

1. If your child asks you for something and you can provide it, by all means reply “Yes.” Be aware, however, that this is a commitment and a promise and should be kept in all but the direst of exceptional circumstances.
2. When the answer is no, simply say “No” (and, of course, don’t proceed to provide that item or do that favor).
3. Sometimes the answer is not definite. You may not be sure whether you can provide the item requested, or you simply may not want to discuss the request at that point, or you may just need to take more time to consider it. In that case, I recommend saying something like this: “The answer right now is No, but I’ll think about it more later on and we can discuss it more after you get home from school.” No guarantees, but I think that it would be hard for any child to construe this answer as a promise to do something.

A couple more quick points about this approach: if you say “No, probably,” and later change your mind and say “Yes,” your child has gotten a pleasant surprise, which is a heck of a lot better than a broken promise or the perception of a broken promise. Most importantly, if you give a firm “No,” stick to it. Saying “No” to a child’s request (or demand) and then giving in to placate him or her or reduce his or her whining or nagging sets a truly bad example and sets you up for your future “No’s” to be ignored and battled. If you choose to say “No,” stick with it, hard as this may be to do.