I believe that there are two essential components of parenting:
- providing warmth, comfort, nurturance and affection; and
- providing structure, rules, discipline and a sense of responsibility and accountability.
The necessity of both components – and a reasonable balance between the two – is certainly not unique to post-divorce families; similar issues and similar complications arise in most families. I have seen intact families manage the issue in a variety of ways. In many families, one parent is the primary source of affection and comfort and the other provides most of the structure and discipline. I can’t tell you how many times a parent during an initial intake interview states that “I’m the disciplinarian in the family.” My personal preference is for each parent to participate extensively in both aspects of parenting. I think it is good for a child to see both mom and dad as sources of warmth and nurturance on the one hand and responsibility and accountability on the other. But I have seen many, many families in which a division of the roles works quite well.
I should emphasize that I view each of the two parental roles as absolutely essential and of equal importance. Neither should be viewed as secondary to the other.
Post-Divorce Families
The situation becomes far more complicated after a parental separation. Obviously, from this point forward, the child or children are with only one of their parents at a time. If a parent has heretofore functioned almost exclusively as a disciplinarian or primarily as a loving “buddy” to his or her child, he or she is likely to be ill-prepared to provide the other essential aspects of parenting. Functioning alone as a parent, he or she cannot rely on the other parent to provide the complementary duties.
Often, in post-divorce families, each parent views the other as inadequate in one or the other area of parenting. This may stem from the earlier patterns during their marriage in which each parent emphasized either discipline & structure or warmth and affection. During the marriage, the child could still be provided with all the necessary components of good parenting. After the divorce, he or she alternates, getting more comfort from and play with one parent and more structure and sense of responsibility from the other.
While this is likely to be confusing and distressing to the child, unfortunately the situation often worsens as time goes on. I have found that a sort of “dance” goes on between the parents, with each trying to balance out perceived deficits on the part of the other parent. For example, a mother who has traditionally provided the bulk of the rules and discipline may see the father as impossibly lax, as a “good-time parent,” a “buddy” to their child incapable of providing adequate structure and discipline. As a result, she may escalate her own level of rules and discipline to ensure that their child is learning appropriate lessons. The father, meanwhile, may see the mother as cold and “no fun,” ridiculously extreme in her rules and overly strict in their enforcement. He responds by becoming even more lenient, focusing almost exclusively on providing fun and entertainment to their child. The parents become increasingly polarized, so that one household turns into a place of strict rules and rigidity in their application, while the other becomes a playhouse, in which appropriate bedtimes and regularity in schedule is sacrificed in favor of constant fun and entertainment.
The main message is for each parent to strive for balance in his or her household. Each parent needs to remind him- or herself that both structure & discipline and warmth and affection are absolutely essential.
Neither is more important than the other. If you are a divorced parent, take an honest look at your ability to provide both aspects of parenting. Are you better at one than the other? If so, work on strengthening the area of relative weakness. You will feel better as a parent and, most importantly, your child will benefit enormously from receiving the full range of appropriate parenting from you.
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