Over the years, I have worked with literally hundreds of post-divorce families. I have led groups for children of divorce and worked with the children in both individual and family therapy. From these experiences, I’ve developed a sense of some of the most common challenges and pitfalls, along with what I hope are helpful recommendations for minimizing the negative impact of divorce on children. For a fuller, more comprehensive discussion of these issues, please see my article: Kidstuff: Working Your Way to a Child-friendly Divorce.
The best way to help your child through divorce and its aftermath is to genuinely encourage him to have the best relationship possible with his other parent.
I know that this is very hard, especially when you are furious at your ex-spouse or you feel that he or she is behaving in an irresponsible manner. But remind yourself that you won’t be doing that to help out your ex-spouse but to help your child develop in as healthy a way as possible. It may help to ask yourself these two questions:
- Am I doing everything I can to be the best parent I can be for my child?
- Am I doing everything I can to encourage my child to have the best relationship possible with his other parent?
If the answer to those questions is yes, then you’re doing a good job! Unfortunately, if the answer to question #2 is “No,” then the answer to question #1 is also “No.” If you’re not doing your utmost to support your child’s relationship with his mother or father, then you are not being the best parent you can be for your child.
A second, critically important, aspect of dealing with a divorce is not to think of the initial separation as a single event, but rather as just the first in a long series of life-changing events your children will experience. These could include:
- Living in two households
- Going back and forth between houses
- Parents dating
- Parents remarrying
- Step-parents & loyalty conflicts
- Step-siblings
- Half-siblings
The better you, as parents, can cooperate throughout all these events, the better off your children will be. If you can consistently think of your children’s needs, rather than, for example, anger and resentment toward your ex-spouse, then your children are likely to navigate these challenges fairly well.
Ask yourself:
Am I putting my child’s needs first?
I realize that there is so much more to say about this difficult, challenging, painful, life-altering topic. So I will stop for now and continue in future blog entries with other aspects of parenting after separation. Stay tuned for discussions of “Balancing the Two Essential Aspects of Parenting,” “How to Tell Your Child about an Upcoming Separation,” “Providing Reassurance,” and “Pro’s & Con’s of Various Living Arrangements.”
If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it!
